The Writings of John Ryan Sullivan

Since learning about KFC Gaming it’s been hard to think about anything else. How are we not all talking about this? Will it lead to other companies making gaming consoles? Imagine other fast food chains incorporating their products into a gaming console! This fills me with glee.

In case some of you are still in the dark, the main feature of this console is the “chicken chamber”. From their website –

Never risk letting your chicken go cold again thanks to the patented Chicken Chamber. Utilising the systems natural heat and airflow system you can now focus on your gameplay and enjoy hot, crispy chicken between rounds.

https://landing.coolermaster.com/kfconsole/

Now perhaps, like the three people who have been willing to speak to me about this, you find yourself with no further thoughts on the matter. Fear not, I will share with you my thoughts and eventual concerns. My sincere hope regarding this development is that there will be imitators.

The first point I would like to address regarding the KFC Gaming Console has more to do with chicken wings than the console itself. As a person who has eaten a chicken wing or two I know about the condition they leave your hands and mouth in. Namely, as a mess. It’s not easy to eat wings in a clean and tidy manner. So the thought of playing a game with a controller, hitting pause and putting the controller down, then opening the chamber and removing a wing to eat – strikes me as madness.

Do they expect people to do this with or without a plate? Are we cleaning our hands with only napkins or are we attempting a napkin/wet wipe combo? How does this make sense? How do we keep ourselves, our floors and our controllers clean? Will they create a separate console for cleaning us? Where do we put the chicken bones?!

My point here is love the concept, two-in-one pleases every American bone in my body. But this does not make much sense. It feels like more work than a picnic all to eat a few wings while you play video games. We need something else, something better. Allow me to put forth my candidates.

---

I give you the first potential candidate – The McDonald’s gaming console, with built in “McFlurry Dispenser”. Think it through, less messy than chicken wings, more reliable than the in-store machines. Plus you can drink/eat something with a straw with greater ease while you play.

Next up, a departure from the world of food (we’ll be back) Supercuts decides to hop on this trend and makes a gaming console with “Vacuum Clippers” (we all know it’s a Flowbee). Cut your hair while you game (and don’t worry about the clippings!). An added perk is you could cut your friend’s hair as well. Think of the parties you could have, young or old, where you eat, drink and game all while getting a free haircut.

Staying in the world of hygiene and self-care we then see Nail Garden create their own gaming console complete with “Pedicure Center” which allows gamers to tend to their follicles while exploring new worlds. Obviously they could include a manicure option (we care about our hands as well) that would just require one-handed capable players or time spent primping and not playing.

Back to the food world Red Lobster decides to take things in another direction and makes their console contain an “Aquarium Center”. Customers can use the small aquarium for either entertainment purposes or to store fish they intend to later cook for their supper. I recognize this as a departure (and possibly a more costly and complicated endeavor). KFC is using the heat generated by the device to keep the chicken warm. Red Lobster could use the water as a form of coolant for the device. And, yes, this one will undoubtedly raise ethical questions concerning eating fish you keep as pets. No one is saying you have to eat them. It’s just a possibility…

Moving away from chains I’d like to see Momofuku come out with their own console, featuring a “Pork Bun Chamber”. Similar to KFC, I know, but perhaps the secret would be to utilize the many talented chefs and artists David Chang knows (David Choe could be tapped to design the module). Ali Wong could provide audio tracks on a weekly basis with new comedic material. Rene Redzepi could redesign the console on a bi-annual basis giving us a radically different device (using region specific parts and/or ingredients).

This idea excites me greatly. I feel it could easily morph and adapt to what the times and the user needs. With a fair bit of R&D this idea could become “the one”.

For something completely different, perhaps Napa Auto Parts could have a “Cleaning Chamber”. Small, grease-covered objects could be placed inside and cleaned while you play. No town is without an auto parts store so this seems like one of my safer bets. And let’s be honest, those parts are not easy to clean. Let your gaming console do the work while you play! (Trademark pending)

It would make me terribly happy to see DJI Global get into the mix, perhaps creating a “Drone Chamber” containing two miniature drones. Gamers could use their controllers to fly the drones around their homes while waiting for load screens or delinquent partners to come online. Video capabilities are not essential but certainly possible.

Party City seems like a no-brainer for this. A plethora of chamber options would be available including: mini helium tank, confetti dispenser, or your choice of “dining for one” – paper plate and cutlery set (Harry Potter or My Little Pony) themed.

Taking this into a “pay to play” direction, BMG music would offer a “Tunes Chamber” requiring you to insert twelve cents in order to listen to twelve albums of your choice. You could then pay full price for further albums or cancel your membership and start over. The coins would live in your chamber until you fill the device or the device ceases to work. In either case a scruffy-looking fella named Joel would then appear at your house (without notice) insist on taking the device for “maintenance” and ask to use your restroom. BMG will never confirm nor deny employing Joel. It is also possible he will not return with your console (or your wife/husband).

Time for the low-hanging fruit, Aviation Gin – they create a “Gin Console”, a mini bar filled with tiny bottles and a holder for one, perfect lime (knife not included). The Gin Console will, undoubtedly be a tougher sell. First and foremost many retailers will not carry it due to the device containing alcohol. Secondly the stipulation of a holder for one “perfect” lime is bound to cause controversy because who is to say what makes a lime “perfect”. Thirdly, due to Ryan Reynolds recent record of selling his companies once they become profitable there will be concern that the quality and upkeep of these consoles will decline.

Also, a reminder, it does *not* come with a knife. You have to cut that lime yourself (ruining it’s perfect condition in the process).

Low hanging fruit number two (no offense intended to Mister Reynolds – I feel that were these ideas floated by you they would get an immediate green light) Mint Mobile makes a gaming console that contains a “Phone Chamber”. Inside is a fox-shaped phone with a six month, prepaid unlimited plan and daily voice messages from the (former) owner.

As the company is now owned by T-Mobile a second option will be available, a pink, ‘t’ shaped phone on their network. The best kept secret about these two phones is that when joined together the fox and the ‘t’ will create a new device which will be the star product of Mr. Reynolds next company. Get ’em while they’re hot folks, we don’t know when it will happen or what it will be!

Seizing the opportunity Nespresso joins the fray, releasing their own gaming console. Surprising no one they include a mini espresso machine with two George Clooney cups! Nespresso pods will not be included with the device and since it is a ‘mini’ machine the traditional pods will not fit. I don’t make the rules I am just here to report them.

Jasper Hill Farms could surely enter this competitive new world. Considering that they offer a monthly cheese club (and a cheese and chocolate club) as well as charcuterie – the work is all but done. A special chamber to hold your cheese (chocolate) and meat – what more could you want? What better way to game then with some excellent cheese?

One more for my Vermont people – Hill Farmstead Farm offers a “home brew chamber”. Think about it, you spend all this time by your gaming console and home brewing takes what, a month to make a batch of beer? Combine your efforts, delve deeply into fermentation and make some tasty beer (obviously this one is adults only – hops not included).

I am stopping now – not because I don’t have more ideas but because I think it is better for me if I do. The possibilities are endless! Why KFC is doing this I have no idea. It makes me incredibly happy that they are. There is no practical reason for a fast food chain to make a gaming console – but here we are. Forget the flying car, we should all be focusing on having gaming consoles with chambers!